Yep, it's happening. I'm going back to work. Not just 7 hours a week when I see my clients regularly work...real, get up in the morning and go to work, work.
This brings on many different emotions for me. Fear (can I still be an effective teacher?), anxiety (what has changed in the last 5 years?), excitement (It will be nice to be with adults and to use my skills again), and, oddly, pride (I was a great teacher to my students!).
Mixed emotions doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. Yes, I have been out of teaching for 5 years and I am sure there have been some changes. Not to mention that I will be starting in a totally different state and having to relearn different state methodologies. I will have to get used to a very regularized routine again and will have to do it with two kids in tow rather than just myself. This is probably what brings me the most anxiety. Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE MORNING. Even with all of these doubts, fears, and what ifs, I am feeling overall pretty positive about it.
I did some great things with my students. For example, take the 10 year old 4th grade ESL/non reading student with a learning disability who after 3 months of intensive reading help was reading on a 2nd grade level by the time she entered 5th grade. I hadn't even started with her until January and by the end of 5th grade, she was doing even better. I also remember a 4th grade student with emotional disturbance who would shut down and not talk and told me he "f***ing hated me" on the first day of school, who was able to be totally mainstreamed into the general ed math class in 5th grade. Then there is the 4th grader who was pulling his hair out, literally, and had bald spots due to high anxiety over his home life, who was able to go in the general ed classroom for most of his day by 5th grade. Then there was Edwin (he passed away while a part of my class in 2002) who till the day he died referred to me as the one who loved him the most. These stories are some of my greatest joys from my days of teaching and those are the things I have missed.
Unfortunately teaching was not always fun and games and joys and triumphs. I had run-ins with administrators who didn't see that what I was doing was effective because the test scores didn't reflect that. I was told by one that I was too emotional about my students. I was told I was not doing a good enough job by an assistant principal who had me under a microscope about everything from my wording on IEPs (Individualized Education Programs), to my teaching methods, and right down to what I drank my coffee in (she didn't like that I drank out of a mug). Then watching them totally botch Edwin's situation (ask me about it, it's too much for this blog) and treat he and his mother like dirt really pretty much ruined me for teaching back then. I couldn't get past the fact that if all I had to do was be with the kids and work with them the way they truly needed and the administration and yep, I'll say it, the GOVERNMENT would stay out of my classroom then I would have a lot more of those great stories to share. There were too many rules that they tried to apply to my kids that wanted them to fit into a mold and didn't take into account why they were in my class in the first place. Just plain stupid of them if you ask me.
Anyway, I have chosen to get re-certified and get back into the grind. I am hoping that my experience will be better this time and hopefully I can make a difference for some kids who need it. Frankly, who need ME. Please pray that God is able to make the best use of these talents of mine to be the best wife, mother, and teacher that I can be and that I don't want to punch too many administrators in the face. That would look bad on my resume, right?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Who doesn't love puke?
Ah, joy of all joys.
Christopher is sick. Not just a little sick, but puke all over the foyer and himself, then slip and fall in it, take a bath, go to bed, wake up fine until after breakfast then poop 5 times in 15 minutes and puke all over Mommy 3 times sick.
Fun.
The poor kid seems so much better after he pukes, but then he wants to eat and his stomach apparently doesn't appreciate that. So, I think I am going to just starve him until whatever this bug is goes away.
Maybe if we are really lucky it will make its way through all 4 of us and we can all get to experience it. That would just be awesome. I'll call it family bonding, or the key phrase "quality time." I guess it's time to break the Lysol back out. I don't want that kind of bonding.
Christopher is sick. Not just a little sick, but puke all over the foyer and himself, then slip and fall in it, take a bath, go to bed, wake up fine until after breakfast then poop 5 times in 15 minutes and puke all over Mommy 3 times sick.
Fun.
The poor kid seems so much better after he pukes, but then he wants to eat and his stomach apparently doesn't appreciate that. So, I think I am going to just starve him until whatever this bug is goes away.
Maybe if we are really lucky it will make its way through all 4 of us and we can all get to experience it. That would just be awesome. I'll call it family bonding, or the key phrase "quality time." I guess it's time to break the Lysol back out. I don't want that kind of bonding.
Justice
Justice
February 11, 1999-February 18, 2010
We love you!
For those of you who don't already know, I am sad to tell you that we had to put Justice down last week. He was starting to suffer and his body was completely giving out on him. I will save the details, but suffice it to say it was time. It was by far one of the hardest things I have had to endure, and don't think that I will be buying any new pets in the near future. It's hard enough knowing that Sophie will not be around forever and having to go through the heartwrenching decision again. I stayed with him through it all, and am glad that I did, however much I want to get the vision out of my head. He went very peacefully, but I will never forget the vet saying "He's gone." Much harder than I ever anticipated. Thanks for all of your support and love, Justice was a phenomenal dog and I will be forever grateful for the 6.5 years that he was a part of my life. 
Justice loved being allowed on the bed...I love this picture of him.
Justice loved playing with Sophie, his partner in crime.
Sophie will miss her buddy, as will the rest of us.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Snowing in the Carolinas
Well, the weather man actually got it right this time! Our first snow of the winter season arrived last night and is still here! Usually it comes in at about 1/2 an inch and is melted by midday. Not today! Unfortunately, the snow is covered in about a 1/2 inch of ice, but that didn't keep Colin and Christopher from wanting to play in it! I love it when it is white outside! It's beautiful! So here are the pictures of our giant South Carolina snow--aka the blizzard of 2010!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Change
I woke up feeling a bit off this morning and had a hard time figuring out what the deal was. Did I just not want to clean like I knew I needed to? Did I not feel like playing referee to the boys today? Was I just anxious for Roger to get home? What was wrong with me?
As I was preparing myself to mop the kitchen floor (joy of all joys), I glanced at the calendar and caught the date. January 29th. I immediately had a flashback to a night in college that changed me forever. After realizing the date, I couldn't get it out of my head, so here I sit, contemplating the date, the event, and the aftermath, even though it was 11 years ago. I guess the memory will always be as vivid as if it were happening again.
Many of you know about this occurrence because you were there for it. Not the actual event, but the time before and the time after were part of your lives, too. It was a time of turmoil in my 20-year-old life and I had to figure out who I was and who I could count on. The event didn't wake me up as some might have hoped. I still went back. I even stood up for the guy. A lot. I kept trying to make it all right, to make it seem as though it had changed not only me and my outlook on things, but his, too. Wrong.
A switch flipped inside me, although outwardly it may not have seemed like it. I had always sworn that it would never be me, that I would never put up with something like that. And why couldn't people just see that it was OK, he was sorry? Because he wasn't. Everyone saw it. As much as I hated to admit it, I saw it, too. He didn't change, but I did. I became angrier and less trusting. I shrank into myself and tried to become someone I wasn't, someone he and his family wanted me to be. As hard as I tried, I couldn't be that person, but instead of stopping the charade, I just built up higher walls. I figured this was what was supposed to be for me and my life, so I had to figure out how to make it work.
Life doesn't always work out the way that it was planned out in your own head. What you think you know often turns out to be totally false and gets flipped around. Luckily and by the grace of God, the lie was revealed to me a couple of years later when everything that I deep down already knew was going on came to light. He hadn't changed in those years, and we still had times where he was just plain mean, treating me like dirt. Had he not made the decision that he didn't want to do it anymore with me, then who knows where I would have been today? As soon as he left, my eyes were opened and my heart, once broken, seemed to start healing. It wasn't easy at first, but shortly I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened. The realization that I could move on and find real love was uplifting and I felt the real me start to come back. The fiery, competitive, fun-loving me.
Fortunately, I was blessed with just that. God gave me Roger and showed me what I wanted in his eyes and heart. He was my prayers' answer. Unfortunately, I brought along a bit of baggage. I still tend to guard myself and have a hard time with trust. If I feel that someone is trying to control me, even if it is something as small as asking a simple question, I buck up against it. Roger is great at reassuring me during these times that it is OK that I have an opinion, even if it doesn't match his, but that I don't have to yell and scream to get it across or fear some sort of retribution. I just have to be me, as long as I am letting him be him, too.
I thought that I was pretty much OK with all of these memories, but today I realized that I probably need to release more of the hurt and anger. I'm a work in progress, I guess. Thankfully, it's not a never ending job and I can see the building going up, even as my walls are coming down. Yep, I'm a changed woman, and this time for the better.
As I was preparing myself to mop the kitchen floor (joy of all joys), I glanced at the calendar and caught the date. January 29th. I immediately had a flashback to a night in college that changed me forever. After realizing the date, I couldn't get it out of my head, so here I sit, contemplating the date, the event, and the aftermath, even though it was 11 years ago. I guess the memory will always be as vivid as if it were happening again.
Many of you know about this occurrence because you were there for it. Not the actual event, but the time before and the time after were part of your lives, too. It was a time of turmoil in my 20-year-old life and I had to figure out who I was and who I could count on. The event didn't wake me up as some might have hoped. I still went back. I even stood up for the guy. A lot. I kept trying to make it all right, to make it seem as though it had changed not only me and my outlook on things, but his, too. Wrong.
A switch flipped inside me, although outwardly it may not have seemed like it. I had always sworn that it would never be me, that I would never put up with something like that. And why couldn't people just see that it was OK, he was sorry? Because he wasn't. Everyone saw it. As much as I hated to admit it, I saw it, too. He didn't change, but I did. I became angrier and less trusting. I shrank into myself and tried to become someone I wasn't, someone he and his family wanted me to be. As hard as I tried, I couldn't be that person, but instead of stopping the charade, I just built up higher walls. I figured this was what was supposed to be for me and my life, so I had to figure out how to make it work.
Life doesn't always work out the way that it was planned out in your own head. What you think you know often turns out to be totally false and gets flipped around. Luckily and by the grace of God, the lie was revealed to me a couple of years later when everything that I deep down already knew was going on came to light. He hadn't changed in those years, and we still had times where he was just plain mean, treating me like dirt. Had he not made the decision that he didn't want to do it anymore with me, then who knows where I would have been today? As soon as he left, my eyes were opened and my heart, once broken, seemed to start healing. It wasn't easy at first, but shortly I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened. The realization that I could move on and find real love was uplifting and I felt the real me start to come back. The fiery, competitive, fun-loving me.
Fortunately, I was blessed with just that. God gave me Roger and showed me what I wanted in his eyes and heart. He was my prayers' answer. Unfortunately, I brought along a bit of baggage. I still tend to guard myself and have a hard time with trust. If I feel that someone is trying to control me, even if it is something as small as asking a simple question, I buck up against it. Roger is great at reassuring me during these times that it is OK that I have an opinion, even if it doesn't match his, but that I don't have to yell and scream to get it across or fear some sort of retribution. I just have to be me, as long as I am letting him be him, too.
I thought that I was pretty much OK with all of these memories, but today I realized that I probably need to release more of the hurt and anger. I'm a work in progress, I guess. Thankfully, it's not a never ending job and I can see the building going up, even as my walls are coming down. Yep, I'm a changed woman, and this time for the better.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Love, hugs, and busted lips?
Colin and Christopher have decided that they adore each other. Just this afternoon they were rolling around on the floor giggling and hugging each other. Christopher walks up to Colin and gives him kisses, and Colin tries to make Christopher laugh by tickling and being cuddly with him. Those are the times that parenthood are so joyful and wonderful and I get teary eyed. I love that they love each other so much.
Then there are the times when they are playing together upstairs in the bedroom and all goes well until Colin drops Christopher on his head into the footboard and Christopher busts his lip and bleeds everywhere. Oh, and even better when Mommy isn't home and Daddy who can't walk has to crutch his way up the stairs to take care of it. Ah, yes, parenthood. Who doesn't love a fat lip? I know this is just the beginning of the fat lips and black eyes and possible broken noses, so I guess that I will just have to stock up on band aids, Neosporin, and health insurance and enjoy the ride.
Here is a sweet picture of the boys...
...and seconds later.
Update
Roger is doing extremely well in his recovery and healing. His range of motion is far exceeding what the doctor and physical therapists expected. The doctor was very impressed with his own work as well, saying that if it weren't for the screws and plates visible in the x-ray that his bone and joint were perfect!
This progress has been a huge sigh of relief for everyone involved, and if I'm being honest, Roger is the most relieved. I am dying to have him totally healed and back to normal, but I think that he wants it even more than me. He has been back to work pretty much full time and is getting less and less tired during the week, even after being on the crutches or in the wheelchair. I am back to my training schedule and it is keeping us pretty busy.
Anyway, I thought everyone might appreciate a progress report on the crazy last few months. It's going well and we are so appreciative for all of the continued prayers and love!
This progress has been a huge sigh of relief for everyone involved, and if I'm being honest, Roger is the most relieved. I am dying to have him totally healed and back to normal, but I think that he wants it even more than me. He has been back to work pretty much full time and is getting less and less tired during the week, even after being on the crutches or in the wheelchair. I am back to my training schedule and it is keeping us pretty busy.
Anyway, I thought everyone might appreciate a progress report on the crazy last few months. It's going well and we are so appreciative for all of the continued prayers and love!
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