Work, shmirk...

Yep, it's happening. I'm going back to work. Not just 7 hours a week when I see my clients regularly work...real, get up in the morning and go to work, work.

This brings on many different emotions for me. Fear (can I still be an effective teacher?), anxiety (what has changed in the last 5 years?), excitement (It will be nice to be with adults and to use my skills again), and, oddly, pride (I was a great teacher to my students!).

Mixed emotions doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. Yes, I have been out of teaching for 5 years and I am sure there have been some changes. Not to mention that I will be starting in a totally different state and having to relearn different state methodologies. I will have to get used to a very regularized routine again and will have to do it with two kids in tow rather than just myself. This is probably what brings me the most anxiety. Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE MORNING. Even with all of these doubts, fears, and what ifs, I am feeling overall pretty positive about it.

I did some great things with my students. For example, take the 10 year old 4th grade ESL/non reading student with a learning disability who after 3 months of intensive reading help was reading on a 2nd grade level by the time she entered 5th grade. I hadn't even started with her until January and by the end of 5th grade, she was doing even better. I also remember a 4th grade student with emotional disturbance who would shut down and not talk and told me he "f***ing hated me" on the first day of school, who was able to be totally mainstreamed into the general ed math class in 5th grade. Then there is the 4th grader who was pulling his hair out, literally, and had bald spots due to high anxiety over his home life, who was able to go in the general ed classroom for most of his day by 5th grade. Then there was Edwin (he passed away while a part of my class in 2002) who till the day he died referred to me as the one who loved him the most. These stories are some of my greatest joys from my days of teaching and those are the things I have missed.

Unfortunately teaching was not always fun and games and joys and triumphs. I had run-ins with administrators who didn't see that what I was doing was effective because the test scores didn't reflect that. I was told by one that I was too emotional about my students. I was told I was not doing a good enough job by an assistant principal who had me under a microscope about everything from my wording on IEPs (Individualized Education Programs), to my teaching methods, and right down to what I drank my coffee in (she didn't like that I drank out of a mug). Then watching them totally botch Edwin's situation (ask me about it, it's too much for this blog) and treat he and his mother like dirt really pretty much ruined me for teaching back then. I couldn't get past the fact that if all I had to do was be with the kids and work with them the way they truly needed and the administration and yep, I'll say it, the GOVERNMENT would stay out of my classroom then I would have a lot more of those great stories to share. There were too many rules that they tried to apply to my kids that wanted them to fit into a mold and didn't take into account why they were in my class in the first place. Just plain stupid of them if you ask me.

Anyway, I have chosen to get re-certified and get back into the grind. I am hoping that my experience will be better this time and hopefully I can make a difference for some kids who need it. Frankly, who need ME. Please pray that God is able to make the best use of these talents of mine to be the best wife, mother, and teacher that I can be and that I don't want to punch too many administrators in the face. That would look bad on my resume, right?