Saturday, January 30, 2010
Snowing in the Carolinas
Well, the weather man actually got it right this time! Our first snow of the winter season arrived last night and is still here! Usually it comes in at about 1/2 an inch and is melted by midday. Not today! Unfortunately, the snow is covered in about a 1/2 inch of ice, but that didn't keep Colin and Christopher from wanting to play in it! I love it when it is white outside! It's beautiful! So here are the pictures of our giant South Carolina snow--aka the blizzard of 2010!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Change
I woke up feeling a bit off this morning and had a hard time figuring out what the deal was. Did I just not want to clean like I knew I needed to? Did I not feel like playing referee to the boys today? Was I just anxious for Roger to get home? What was wrong with me?
As I was preparing myself to mop the kitchen floor (joy of all joys), I glanced at the calendar and caught the date. January 29th. I immediately had a flashback to a night in college that changed me forever. After realizing the date, I couldn't get it out of my head, so here I sit, contemplating the date, the event, and the aftermath, even though it was 11 years ago. I guess the memory will always be as vivid as if it were happening again.
Many of you know about this occurrence because you were there for it. Not the actual event, but the time before and the time after were part of your lives, too. It was a time of turmoil in my 20-year-old life and I had to figure out who I was and who I could count on. The event didn't wake me up as some might have hoped. I still went back. I even stood up for the guy. A lot. I kept trying to make it all right, to make it seem as though it had changed not only me and my outlook on things, but his, too. Wrong.
A switch flipped inside me, although outwardly it may not have seemed like it. I had always sworn that it would never be me, that I would never put up with something like that. And why couldn't people just see that it was OK, he was sorry? Because he wasn't. Everyone saw it. As much as I hated to admit it, I saw it, too. He didn't change, but I did. I became angrier and less trusting. I shrank into myself and tried to become someone I wasn't, someone he and his family wanted me to be. As hard as I tried, I couldn't be that person, but instead of stopping the charade, I just built up higher walls. I figured this was what was supposed to be for me and my life, so I had to figure out how to make it work.
Life doesn't always work out the way that it was planned out in your own head. What you think you know often turns out to be totally false and gets flipped around. Luckily and by the grace of God, the lie was revealed to me a couple of years later when everything that I deep down already knew was going on came to light. He hadn't changed in those years, and we still had times where he was just plain mean, treating me like dirt. Had he not made the decision that he didn't want to do it anymore with me, then who knows where I would have been today? As soon as he left, my eyes were opened and my heart, once broken, seemed to start healing. It wasn't easy at first, but shortly I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened. The realization that I could move on and find real love was uplifting and I felt the real me start to come back. The fiery, competitive, fun-loving me.
Fortunately, I was blessed with just that. God gave me Roger and showed me what I wanted in his eyes and heart. He was my prayers' answer. Unfortunately, I brought along a bit of baggage. I still tend to guard myself and have a hard time with trust. If I feel that someone is trying to control me, even if it is something as small as asking a simple question, I buck up against it. Roger is great at reassuring me during these times that it is OK that I have an opinion, even if it doesn't match his, but that I don't have to yell and scream to get it across or fear some sort of retribution. I just have to be me, as long as I am letting him be him, too.
I thought that I was pretty much OK with all of these memories, but today I realized that I probably need to release more of the hurt and anger. I'm a work in progress, I guess. Thankfully, it's not a never ending job and I can see the building going up, even as my walls are coming down. Yep, I'm a changed woman, and this time for the better.
As I was preparing myself to mop the kitchen floor (joy of all joys), I glanced at the calendar and caught the date. January 29th. I immediately had a flashback to a night in college that changed me forever. After realizing the date, I couldn't get it out of my head, so here I sit, contemplating the date, the event, and the aftermath, even though it was 11 years ago. I guess the memory will always be as vivid as if it were happening again.
Many of you know about this occurrence because you were there for it. Not the actual event, but the time before and the time after were part of your lives, too. It was a time of turmoil in my 20-year-old life and I had to figure out who I was and who I could count on. The event didn't wake me up as some might have hoped. I still went back. I even stood up for the guy. A lot. I kept trying to make it all right, to make it seem as though it had changed not only me and my outlook on things, but his, too. Wrong.
A switch flipped inside me, although outwardly it may not have seemed like it. I had always sworn that it would never be me, that I would never put up with something like that. And why couldn't people just see that it was OK, he was sorry? Because he wasn't. Everyone saw it. As much as I hated to admit it, I saw it, too. He didn't change, but I did. I became angrier and less trusting. I shrank into myself and tried to become someone I wasn't, someone he and his family wanted me to be. As hard as I tried, I couldn't be that person, but instead of stopping the charade, I just built up higher walls. I figured this was what was supposed to be for me and my life, so I had to figure out how to make it work.
Life doesn't always work out the way that it was planned out in your own head. What you think you know often turns out to be totally false and gets flipped around. Luckily and by the grace of God, the lie was revealed to me a couple of years later when everything that I deep down already knew was going on came to light. He hadn't changed in those years, and we still had times where he was just plain mean, treating me like dirt. Had he not made the decision that he didn't want to do it anymore with me, then who knows where I would have been today? As soon as he left, my eyes were opened and my heart, once broken, seemed to start healing. It wasn't easy at first, but shortly I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened. The realization that I could move on and find real love was uplifting and I felt the real me start to come back. The fiery, competitive, fun-loving me.
Fortunately, I was blessed with just that. God gave me Roger and showed me what I wanted in his eyes and heart. He was my prayers' answer. Unfortunately, I brought along a bit of baggage. I still tend to guard myself and have a hard time with trust. If I feel that someone is trying to control me, even if it is something as small as asking a simple question, I buck up against it. Roger is great at reassuring me during these times that it is OK that I have an opinion, even if it doesn't match his, but that I don't have to yell and scream to get it across or fear some sort of retribution. I just have to be me, as long as I am letting him be him, too.
I thought that I was pretty much OK with all of these memories, but today I realized that I probably need to release more of the hurt and anger. I'm a work in progress, I guess. Thankfully, it's not a never ending job and I can see the building going up, even as my walls are coming down. Yep, I'm a changed woman, and this time for the better.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Love, hugs, and busted lips?
Colin and Christopher have decided that they adore each other. Just this afternoon they were rolling around on the floor giggling and hugging each other. Christopher walks up to Colin and gives him kisses, and Colin tries to make Christopher laugh by tickling and being cuddly with him. Those are the times that parenthood are so joyful and wonderful and I get teary eyed. I love that they love each other so much.
Then there are the times when they are playing together upstairs in the bedroom and all goes well until Colin drops Christopher on his head into the footboard and Christopher busts his lip and bleeds everywhere. Oh, and even better when Mommy isn't home and Daddy who can't walk has to crutch his way up the stairs to take care of it. Ah, yes, parenthood. Who doesn't love a fat lip? I know this is just the beginning of the fat lips and black eyes and possible broken noses, so I guess that I will just have to stock up on band aids, Neosporin, and health insurance and enjoy the ride.
Here is a sweet picture of the boys...
...and seconds later.
Update
Roger is doing extremely well in his recovery and healing. His range of motion is far exceeding what the doctor and physical therapists expected. The doctor was very impressed with his own work as well, saying that if it weren't for the screws and plates visible in the x-ray that his bone and joint were perfect!
This progress has been a huge sigh of relief for everyone involved, and if I'm being honest, Roger is the most relieved. I am dying to have him totally healed and back to normal, but I think that he wants it even more than me. He has been back to work pretty much full time and is getting less and less tired during the week, even after being on the crutches or in the wheelchair. I am back to my training schedule and it is keeping us pretty busy.
Anyway, I thought everyone might appreciate a progress report on the crazy last few months. It's going well and we are so appreciative for all of the continued prayers and love!
This progress has been a huge sigh of relief for everyone involved, and if I'm being honest, Roger is the most relieved. I am dying to have him totally healed and back to normal, but I think that he wants it even more than me. He has been back to work pretty much full time and is getting less and less tired during the week, even after being on the crutches or in the wheelchair. I am back to my training schedule and it is keeping us pretty busy.
Anyway, I thought everyone might appreciate a progress report on the crazy last few months. It's going well and we are so appreciative for all of the continued prayers and love!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Some pictures to join my brain dump from last post
These photos are not in chronological order, but I don't like messing with the pictures on here too much because it is a pain in the neck.
This is where Roger spent his Thanksgiving day. Poor thing. You can tell he was a bit drugged up though, huh?
Colin in the pool in Florida. He had a blast!
Colin was the ring-bearer...he was so cute! He walked down the aisle with his hands in his pockets looking all GQ!
Christopher hanging with Aunt Alicia before we left to go downstairs to the wedding. Mr. Smiles.
This is Roger and I before the wedding...yep, we're hot!
This is where Roger spent his Thanksgiving day. Poor thing. You can tell he was a bit drugged up though, huh?
Christopher went swimming, too. I was too chicken to go in the water so my Uncle John took him in. He was in heaven.
Colin in the pool in Florida. He had a blast!
Colin was the ring-bearer...he was so cute! He walked down the aisle with his hands in his pockets looking all GQ!Christopher hanging with Aunt Alicia before we left to go downstairs to the wedding. Mr. Smiles. This is Roger and I before the wedding...yep, we're hot!
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