Change

I woke up feeling a bit off this morning and had a hard time figuring out what the deal was. Did I just not want to clean like I knew I needed to? Did I not feel like playing referee to the boys today? Was I just anxious for Roger to get home? What was wrong with me?

As I was preparing myself to mop the kitchen floor (joy of all joys), I glanced at the calendar and caught the date. January 29th. I immediately had a flashback to a night in college that changed me forever. After realizing the date, I couldn't get it out of my head, so here I sit, contemplating the date, the event, and the aftermath, even though it was 11 years ago. I guess the memory will always be as vivid as if it were happening again.

Many of you know about this occurrence because you were there for it. Not the actual event, but the time before and the time after were part of your lives, too. It was a time of turmoil in my 20-year-old life and I had to figure out who I was and who I could count on. The event didn't wake me up as some might have hoped. I still went back. I even stood up for the guy. A lot. I kept trying to make it all right, to make it seem as though it had changed not only me and my outlook on things, but his, too. Wrong.

A switch flipped inside me, although outwardly it may not have seemed like it. I had always sworn that it would never be me, that I would never put up with something like that. And why couldn't people just see that it was OK, he was sorry? Because he wasn't. Everyone saw it. As much as I hated to admit it, I saw it, too. He didn't change, but I did. I became angrier and less trusting. I shrank into myself and tried to become someone I wasn't, someone he and his family wanted me to be. As hard as I tried, I couldn't be that person, but instead of stopping the charade, I just built up higher walls. I figured this was what was supposed to be for me and my life, so I had to figure out how to make it work.

Life doesn't always work out the way that it was planned out in your own head. What you think you know often turns out to be totally false and gets flipped around. Luckily and by the grace of God, the lie was revealed to me a couple of years later when everything that I deep down already knew was going on came to light. He hadn't changed in those years, and we still had times where he was just plain mean, treating me like dirt. Had he not made the decision that he didn't want to do it anymore with me, then who knows where I would have been today? As soon as he left, my eyes were opened and my heart, once broken, seemed to start healing. It wasn't easy at first, but shortly I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened. The realization that I could move on and find real love was uplifting and I felt the real me start to come back. The fiery, competitive, fun-loving me.

Fortunately, I was blessed with just that. God gave me Roger and showed me what I wanted in his eyes and heart. He was my prayers' answer. Unfortunately, I brought along a bit of baggage. I still tend to guard myself and have a hard time with trust. If I feel that someone is trying to control me, even if it is something as small as asking a simple question, I buck up against it. Roger is great at reassuring me during these times that it is OK that I have an opinion, even if it doesn't match his, but that I don't have to yell and scream to get it across or fear some sort of retribution. I just have to be me, as long as I am letting him be him, too.

I thought that I was pretty much OK with all of these memories, but today I realized that I probably need to release more of the hurt and anger. I'm a work in progress, I guess. Thankfully, it's not a never ending job and I can see the building going up, even as my walls are coming down. Yep, I'm a changed woman, and this time for the better.