Friday, December 14, 2012

Today started out as one of those days. Colin had been throwing up last night, and while the circumstances surrounding the act were pretty humorous, it was still a matter of whether he was really sick or if it was another migraine. This morning he awakened still having a slight headache but this time there was a fever and the inevitable morning after puking puke. So, the call goes into the school that he will be absent, effectively ending his perfect attendance streak. Bummer.

This only becomes more of a bummer when not even 10 minutes later, he is entirely well, feeling great, asking for food. Good grief. He then continues on his feeling better streak, by being his energetic (read, annoying) self. After telling him for the umpteenth time to stop picking at his brother, I complain to Roger how annoying he is being and how annoyed I am that he couldn't go to school today, which is super annoying and now I am annoyed that I am annoyed.

Christopher, who has his Fridays off, has been hounding me to play the computer, which he gets to do early on because Colin was "sick." Then there's lunch and just the usual daily things. Stop hitting each other, play nice, etc.

I sit down to Facebook and see what other people are complaining about today and possibly find some responses to my silly status about last night's vomiting episode.

Instead, what I read is true horror. A school in Connecticut has had the unthinkable happen. 18 dead 5-year-olds and many others in an inexplicable act of violence. I immediately turn on the news and am drawn in to the yet unknown details. It eventually comes out that the shooter was a 24-year-old and the Kindergarten class he attacked was his mother's classroom and her students, as well as several other people within the school.  What?? Who does that? It is a horrible, sinking feeling that came over me, thinking about those parents and family members of those particular those mommies and daddies who no longer have their babies to hug and kiss goodnight, good morning, and just say I love you. Yes, my boys are home with me, I think in quick relief and almost feel guilty.

The idea of losing my boys cuts directly to my gut and makes me want to lash out and thrash and scream. I don't know how these parents are going to handle this loss, when I am having so much trouble thinking about it and it is only in the "what if" category for me. From the moment I first became pregnant, I have never known the feeling of complete and utter love and joy. Then, the bundle becomes real in my arms and there is no going back to who I was before. Everything is different. Everything. The way that I look at the world and people is different. My priorities are different. It all revolves around this baby. Then the one baby became 2 babies and it all doubles. My heart explodes for these boys. The happy, the sad, the heartbreaking.

Then years pass, they grow, they gain personality traits that don't always mesh with my own. There are tantrums, messes, frustrations, fatigue, illness, yelling, screaming, crying, and yes, annoyance. Today, I am so happy for having them here to annoy me.  They don't understand the magnitude of the strength in my hugs today or the tears in my eyes when I grab them for those hugs. It doesn't matter. What matters is that they are here, now, for me to love, cherish, and hold. I will be sending them off to school on Monday with a little less excitement that I have 5 hours of time while they are otherwise occupied. My prayers for their safety will by multiplied by the hundreds.

This is a true tragedy and as cliche` as it might seem, it makes me so thankful for what I have. I don't want to take them for granted, ever. Even, and especially, when they are on my last nerves and pushing my buttons. Knowing how blessed I am with these two boys calling me Mommy is a thought that I never, ever, ever want to lose. The "I love you, Mommy" from each of them that I get make it more than worth all the other crap.

I will be praying for the victims' families and the whole community of Newtown, CT, as well as the entire country. This cuts us deep.

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